Surrounding

Down....Down...I could see "down" whenever I went. People around are down. Almost everyone is down. I don’t like this condition. I don’t like to be surrounded by melancholy, heavyhearted...I afraid of this situation, it will make me down, it will put me to the same situation. I want to navigate away from these. Everyone is still stagnant at the past,perhaps,including me.Perhaps,past has given the sweetest memories, the unforgettable memories, the delightful moments,etc.I want those to be in both my heart and world. I don’t want it to disappear or fade away over times.
Mom,dad,U are always the sweetest, the best.U provide everything that i want,but i cant own all of them.It is caused by the forces of surrounding as well.Again,surrounding disappoints me.i dont want to back in the jail again.Sometimes,I cant stand the harshing reality. I want to back to the warm place again. I want to back to the place that is full of love again.Yet,I must not regret of my own decison and i wont regret of whatever i have made.Kuan,I want to back there to listen to your complaining,gossiping too.Moreover,I want u to be my listener too. Tell me more about the current happenings at home,dont treat me as a stranger. I dont want to be the last one to know everything that happened.I felt like i am no more the member of u all,i didnt know u have been sent to hospital,i didnt know what problems u all are facing...Please,just tell me,dont bother about the interruption of my mood and studies. I am still ok with that,i can bare it.I just want to know the things that I should know.
Ok...Somethings i should keep to ownself(v,I want to talk to u,i cant keep them anymore,the heart is too small,not enough capacity to hide all my other sides from revealing to others),shouldnt publish it here.V,i knew that day we didnt have much time,with ur dad around,i am looking forward to the moment both of us in the same room,chat until late night again,u told many of urs,and me,be the good silent listener.And u are my best listener too,u saw every side of me,u saw my tears,u saw the moment an incredible person collapsed,u saw her weaknesses as well.I dont need to hide anything from u,the real of me is totally revealed in front of u.However,we seldom will be in the same condition again,north and south, hundreds of miles away.I cant express everything out,but i hope u can see it.I am too tired for both my soul and body.I also want a shoulder to rest,maybe,the bed is the best and the safest shoulder i could have for now.Besides that,ur smile has indeed be my happy agent before but i am always need to be the happy agent here instead of waiting for someone to delight me.On account of the conditions where the wills of making all the people around to be in happy modes exist,i am willing to be the delighting tool for them.As long as everyone is happy to be here,everyone is slowly navigating away from the bad mood since they have been here,i will gain the benefit too.I will be slowly enchanted by the surrounding as well.Hopefully,before the heart dying of the overloaded and explodes,u will be there for me.