Down....Down...I could see "down" whenever I went. People around are down. Almost everyone is down. I don’t like this condition. I don’t like to be surrounded by melancholy, heavyhearted...I afraid of this situation, it will make me down, it will put me to the same situation. I want to navigate away from these. Everyone is still stagnant at the past,perhaps,including me.Perhaps,past has given the sweetest memories, the unforgettable memories, the delightful moments,etc.I want those to be in both my heart and world. I don’t want it to disappear or fade away over times.
Mom,dad,U are always the sweetest, the best.U provide everything that i want,but i cant own all of them.It is caused by the forces of surrounding as well.Again,surrounding disappoints me.i dont want to back in the jail again.Sometimes,I cant stand the harshing reality. I want to back to the warm place again. I want to back to the place that is full of love again.Yet,I must not regret of my own decison and i wont regret of whatever i have made.Kuan,I want to back there to listen to your complaining,gossiping too.Moreover,I want u to be my listener too. Tell me more about the current happenings at home,dont treat me as a stranger. I dont want to be the last one to know everything that happened.I felt like i am no more the member of u all,i didnt know u have been sent to hospital,i didnt know what problems u all are facing...Please,just tell me,dont bother about the interruption of my mood and studies. I am still ok with that,i can bare it.I just want to know the things that I should know.
Ok...Somethings i should keep to ownself(v,I want to talk to u,i cant keep them anymore,the heart is too small,not enough capacity to hide all my other sides from revealing to others),shouldnt publish it here.V,i knew that day we didnt have much time,with ur dad around,i am looking forward to the moment both of us in the same room,chat until late night again,u told many of urs,and me,be the good silent listener.And u are my best listener too,u saw every side of me,u saw my tears,u saw the moment an incredible person collapsed,u saw her weaknesses as well.I dont need to hide anything from u,the real of me is totally revealed in front of u.However,we seldom will be in the same condition again,north and south, hundreds of miles away.I cant express everything out,but i hope u can see it.I am too tired for both my soul and body.I also want a shoulder to rest,maybe,the bed is the best and the safest shoulder i could have for now.Besides that,ur smile has indeed be my happy agent before but i am always need to be the happy agent here instead of waiting for someone to delight me.On account of the conditions where the wills of making all the people around to be in happy modes exist,i am willing to be the delighting tool for them.As long as everyone is happy to be here,everyone is slowly navigating away from the bad mood since they have been here,i will gain the benefit too.I will be slowly enchanted by the surrounding as well.Hopefully,before the heart dying of the overloaded and explodes,u will be there for me.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Torturing journey
OMG!!What a day i have had today....Torturing???Terrible???Scary???Nono...There is no any proper word to describe it.At first,it should be an exciting and anticipating journey,but how come it turned the other way??
The night before,slept for less than 4hours,preparing myself to end the "regiment" of the troubling and frustrating IELTS today.Will the "war" be successful??Will i gain the success under the lacking of sleep condition??Hope so.I knew i didnt do the best,may be it can be explained by several reasons(self-handicapping)......The moment i heard the sentence "pen off" by the head of invigilator for the last time after the few hours in L7.24 of TBS,i would like to jump up and rush to the door;yet,i didnt do so(high self-monitor)...(another application of psych term in daily life)...This should be the starting of an delightful day right???However,the truth totally opposed my thinking...
1pm,reached casa,had lunch,bathed,packed,washed.....2something ald..waiting for the person who has promised to accompany us(or "protect" us on the way to the bus stop).Perhaps,the person misanalysed the message,came down later than my expected time after the delivering of another message.The condition was worst as the old friend--severe migraine came that period.Everything appeared in front was rotating.I didnt tell others about what i felt that particular moment,but lc knew it few moments before going out to bus stop.Moreover,i rejected the panadol offered as i afraid i will fall asleep while waiting for the bus,then it will certainly result in missing the bus.Nevertheless,the conclusion was same.I missed the bus!!I reached there late and the bus went earlier than the predicted time as well.The whole way from casa to the bus stop has already taken up a longer time than usual.It is all caused by the stupid migraine!!I needed to slower down my steps.Luckily,my heavy big bag was carried by someone,this has indeed reduced my burden.Thanks for carrying it the whole way to the bus stop.Thanks to another person for helping to carry my backpack while waiting for the bus to my next destination.U guys have helped a lot today.Thanks to lc for worrying about my condition.
Waited for the bus for half an hours,sat on the bus to the next destinaton also took up 45minutes.However,the worst part was it has left 30minutes more to catch the arranged bus schedule.I have predicted that i may miss the bus while on the way to there.Ya,the prediction was right.I MISSED it!!!Reached there 20minutes later than the time stated in the bus schedule.Then,i started to ask from counter to counter for another ticket to go back,rushed here and there like a mad person.Yet,i got the same answer from them,the earliest bus will be at 11.30pm.What??If i buy the ticket,what should i do for the 5or6 hours while waiting for the next bus???NoNo...I should look for alternatives.Finally,i got one,but the bus wont reach my hometown,the last station is one state before my hometown.Ok,without much consideration,i bought it to satisfy the "enthusiasm" of going back.One more barrier to overcome,i didnt bring much cash with me as the robbery rates is increasing nowadays.Trying to look for ATM to withdraw $$ for the ticket.While withdrawing,the heart was pounding like hell,everyone around seemed like bad people(perhaps that was my own thinking,watched too many gruesome murdering movies and read too many thrillers).Some of them approached me while i was withdrawing $$,some of them stared at me....WOW,such a scary experience of withdrawing money!!
Finally,i got the ticket at an extremely expensive price.It has indeed burned a hole in my pocket,wasted the ticket bought before and spent extra money to buy another one.The total cost to go back has been the amount for me to and fro from casa to sp,it even will be some money left after buying the tickets with the same amount of $$ spent for the single route today.Haiz...Running to the platform stated with the super heavy big bag consisted of "tonnes"of books.I was shocked when there was no one waiting at the platform at the moment i reached there.But,the people arrived one by one after 15mins.Ther were only 8of us.We followed a guy to our bus after waiting for more than half an hour at the platform with all the smoke emmited by the buses there...Coughing and sweating+migraining..a BAD CONDITION.The walk to our bus also took up 15mins,passing by streets and streets.
Woah...got into the bus already..Nope,it is squeezed into the bus.Oh gosh!!No seat?!?!The company is so unethical,selling the ticket for extra ordinary price for me with a fulled bus??The temper has indeed increased to the max.I stood for more than 5hours throughout the journey from KL to Penang with the heavy backpack.After an hour on the bus,my shoulders and legs were extremely aching.Both my soul and body were so tired and dizzy.I felt like wanna collapse already.The tears also at the edge of eyes already,but i didnt allow those things to happen.Am I acting strong??Anyway,if i didnt think positively,i would have been mad after few hours.One thing to mention,thanks to the person that concerned about my condition with messages.Thanks to lc for reminding me to eat,but i didnt bring any food along.Thanks for M that consoling me with messages and keeping touch with me in order to help me raising my energy.Thanks to B that wished me the best luck for my journey.Thanks to the person that lent me phone to contact my dad when my phone batt was empty.Ahh...i can see my parents from the window already,they quickly helped me to carry my bag at the moment i went down from bus.Parents are always the sweethest.Dad even thought of bringing me to supper,but i refused as i missed my home and bed too much.Although that moment i cant walked properly with the aching legs,i still pretended to be ok,i didnt want them to see my worst condition.I should be praised in this pretending part(too exaggerate??)as they totally didnt notice it.
This was written in the dizziness and drowsiness.I decided to write it down as a reference for me in the future.It would be a good reference and consoling material whenever i cant bare with the stresses around anymore.Today,the very special moment has proven that i can be such strong exceeding my expectation.Ok,good night to myself.Wish me having a peaceful night.I will let my collpasing body to lie on the familiar bed and have a good rest tonight.It is approaching 3am already.I have expressed all the feeling,feel relief now.Bye to pc.
The night before,slept for less than 4hours,preparing myself to end the "regiment" of the troubling and frustrating IELTS today.Will the "war" be successful??Will i gain the success under the lacking of sleep condition??Hope so.I knew i didnt do the best,may be it can be explained by several reasons(self-handicapping)......The moment i heard the sentence "pen off" by the head of invigilator for the last time after the few hours in L7.24 of TBS,i would like to jump up and rush to the door;yet,i didnt do so(high self-monitor)...(another application of psych term in daily life)...This should be the starting of an delightful day right???However,the truth totally opposed my thinking...
1pm,reached casa,had lunch,bathed,packed,washed.....2something ald..waiting for the person who has promised to accompany us(or "protect" us on the way to the bus stop).Perhaps,the person misanalysed the message,came down later than my expected time after the delivering of another message.The condition was worst as the old friend--severe migraine came that period.Everything appeared in front was rotating.I didnt tell others about what i felt that particular moment,but lc knew it few moments before going out to bus stop.Moreover,i rejected the panadol offered as i afraid i will fall asleep while waiting for the bus,then it will certainly result in missing the bus.Nevertheless,the conclusion was same.I missed the bus!!I reached there late and the bus went earlier than the predicted time as well.The whole way from casa to the bus stop has already taken up a longer time than usual.It is all caused by the stupid migraine!!I needed to slower down my steps.Luckily,my heavy big bag was carried by someone,this has indeed reduced my burden.Thanks for carrying it the whole way to the bus stop.Thanks to another person for helping to carry my backpack while waiting for the bus to my next destination.U guys have helped a lot today.Thanks to lc for worrying about my condition.
Waited for the bus for half an hours,sat on the bus to the next destinaton also took up 45minutes.However,the worst part was it has left 30minutes more to catch the arranged bus schedule.I have predicted that i may miss the bus while on the way to there.Ya,the prediction was right.I MISSED it!!!Reached there 20minutes later than the time stated in the bus schedule.Then,i started to ask from counter to counter for another ticket to go back,rushed here and there like a mad person.Yet,i got the same answer from them,the earliest bus will be at 11.30pm.What??If i buy the ticket,what should i do for the 5or6 hours while waiting for the next bus???NoNo...I should look for alternatives.Finally,i got one,but the bus wont reach my hometown,the last station is one state before my hometown.Ok,without much consideration,i bought it to satisfy the "enthusiasm" of going back.One more barrier to overcome,i didnt bring much cash with me as the robbery rates is increasing nowadays.Trying to look for ATM to withdraw $$ for the ticket.While withdrawing,the heart was pounding like hell,everyone around seemed like bad people(perhaps that was my own thinking,watched too many gruesome murdering movies and read too many thrillers).Some of them approached me while i was withdrawing $$,some of them stared at me....WOW,such a scary experience of withdrawing money!!
Finally,i got the ticket at an extremely expensive price.It has indeed burned a hole in my pocket,wasted the ticket bought before and spent extra money to buy another one.The total cost to go back has been the amount for me to and fro from casa to sp,it even will be some money left after buying the tickets with the same amount of $$ spent for the single route today.Haiz...Running to the platform stated with the super heavy big bag consisted of "tonnes"of books.I was shocked when there was no one waiting at the platform at the moment i reached there.But,the people arrived one by one after 15mins.Ther were only 8of us.We followed a guy to our bus after waiting for more than half an hour at the platform with all the smoke emmited by the buses there...Coughing and sweating+migraining..a BAD CONDITION.The walk to our bus also took up 15mins,passing by streets and streets.
Woah...got into the bus already..Nope,it is squeezed into the bus.Oh gosh!!No seat?!?!The company is so unethical,selling the ticket for extra ordinary price for me with a fulled bus??The temper has indeed increased to the max.I stood for more than 5hours throughout the journey from KL to Penang with the heavy backpack.After an hour on the bus,my shoulders and legs were extremely aching.Both my soul and body were so tired and dizzy.I felt like wanna collapse already.The tears also at the edge of eyes already,but i didnt allow those things to happen.Am I acting strong??Anyway,if i didnt think positively,i would have been mad after few hours.One thing to mention,thanks to the person that concerned about my condition with messages.Thanks to lc for reminding me to eat,but i didnt bring any food along.Thanks for M that consoling me with messages and keeping touch with me in order to help me raising my energy.Thanks to B that wished me the best luck for my journey.Thanks to the person that lent me phone to contact my dad when my phone batt was empty.Ahh...i can see my parents from the window already,they quickly helped me to carry my bag at the moment i went down from bus.Parents are always the sweethest.Dad even thought of bringing me to supper,but i refused as i missed my home and bed too much.Although that moment i cant walked properly with the aching legs,i still pretended to be ok,i didnt want them to see my worst condition.I should be praised in this pretending part(too exaggerate??)as they totally didnt notice it.
This was written in the dizziness and drowsiness.I decided to write it down as a reference for me in the future.It would be a good reference and consoling material whenever i cant bare with the stresses around anymore.Today,the very special moment has proven that i can be such strong exceeding my expectation.Ok,good night to myself.Wish me having a peaceful night.I will let my collpasing body to lie on the familiar bed and have a good rest tonight.It is approaching 3am already.I have expressed all the feeling,feel relief now.Bye to pc.
Friday, October 24, 2008
The first time felt like writing something here...(1st entry)
23th of October....The 1st time i wrote something here.Perhaps,i am not an expressive person,i dont use to express my feeling and thinking to the world.Perhaps,I cant stand to keep everything to myself anymore(I clearly knew that be more expressive is a good thing and i might live happier and ....).Perhaps,the feeling arose after writing journal.I hate to write journal when the mentor compiled us to write a journal in accordance with the Personal Learning Program(PLP) carried out by my college.I spent few days time attempting to do or think of something to "fit" in the 1st journal.That moment,I wanted to tell everyone that writing a journal is a dreadful thing.Yet,it might not be the same for others,it might be just a trivial thing for others.Well,i still ended up with handing in the 1st journal that i have written since i was born(it is indeed a long period--18years).
I have tried to write something on my blogs since long long time ago.Weeks,months or years...However,everytime it will be ended up with blank page.At last,today,23102008,i wrote something here.The main motivation is my own will to strengthen my english.This is the reason i chose to write in english.Perhaps,I do indeed not knowing myself in full or I still have not acquainted with myself.This may be another thing that has put me on this blog.The only reason I chose to write here among all the blogs i have is this blog space has higher confidentiality than others.So,i perceived that no ppl or perhaps not much people will be exposed to this...
The whole entry might just describing my own feeling and attitude towards blogging.Nevertheless,I should be proud of myself for the decision made to write an entry here(too boastful...??Haha).
I have tried to write something on my blogs since long long time ago.Weeks,months or years...However,everytime it will be ended up with blank page.At last,today,23102008,i wrote something here.The main motivation is my own will to strengthen my english.This is the reason i chose to write in english.Perhaps,I do indeed not knowing myself in full or I still have not acquainted with myself.This may be another thing that has put me on this blog.The only reason I chose to write here among all the blogs i have is this blog space has higher confidentiality than others.So,i perceived that no ppl or perhaps not much people will be exposed to this...
The whole entry might just describing my own feeling and attitude towards blogging.Nevertheless,I should be proud of myself for the decision made to write an entry here(too boastful...??Haha).
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
